Twas the Week before Christmas TPX POEM

WE BE PLAYING TONIGHT SON!!!

Twas the week before Christmas, when all through HTOWN

Many a ballers was stirring, warming up to get down.

Their beers were filled up by the bar with care,

In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.

The pandas were ready all drunk in their car,

While visions of victory danced around like a whore at a bar.

Thomas is nursing his foot and his back,

While Gene practices oral with his new softball bat.

Ratliff thinks of homers while Dustin does the same,

Parker dreams of Nevling striping naked in rain.

Grant make the roster moving Sam up for sure,

moving Thomas to the bottom because he never scores.

I hope that we play says Grant to himself,

while having sex with Parkers sister dressed up like an ELF.

“Give it to me Santa!” She screams out with Glee,

“Man she like anal” Now this Grant can see!

We rush to the fields ready to swing our big sticks,

Giving wins to ourselves like fucking St Nick.

what do you do when you’re so fucking great,

You beat suckas down like gangbangs and rape!

"Now Ratliff! now, Parker! Now, Thomas and Sam!

On, Dustin! On, Gene! On, on Nevling oh damn!

The rest of the squad should be ready to fight,

For victory is tasty like afternoon delight!

Will the team be ready to show how it’s done,

Or play like the ladies with their thumbs up their bums.

Drinking beer while they play, smoking cigarettes too,

eating nachos that really make you have to poo .

I hope Santa isn’t watching to see how we roll,

Winning while drinking and pissing it up on a wall ,

So come one come all and see how we do, 

It’s about to get dirty, check your pants for doo doo!!!

TPX: 10 WAYS TO WIN!!!

          Being on top of the World is a privilege not a right. If you think you just deserve to be on to of this league because we’re incredible then you my friend are a massive fuck tard! We have to play to win every time or we will crumble into that weak ass team that we’ve tried so hard to forget. That means playing all 45 minutes and staying intoxicated the entire time no matter how cold it gets. Oh yes, it will get cold and believe me you’ll want to be intoxicated so that the pain from your nuts shriveling into your inner pelvic region is slightly dulled.

          Just ask Gene what it’s like to get frost bite on his nuts. I remember that drive to the emergency room well. We’d just finished a double hitter when he collapsed in pain while reaching into his pant and screaming, “They’re gone, my nuts, they’re gone!” My brother and I chucked him into the bed of my trucked and raced to Memorial Herman. It was a race to save Gene’s genitalia but sadly it was a race that was lost. Gene is still good at softball and we let him play on our men’s league but he now makes an even better dickless post op freak of nature and the ugliest woman I’ve ever know.

          Five time TPX strike out leader and our valiant coach Grant told a reliable source that he see’s more wins in our future. That source then went on to say that Grant gives good head and that he’s got the sphincter of a 5 year old hippopotamus. You might think, “Hey that can’t be tight?” Well it is tight so just shut up and read! The point is that Grant has faith in us so we should oblige him with two more victories.

          2 x 2 = 4. You know how I know that? Because I’m fucking smart and from the knowledge that I’ve acquired through out the years I’ve come up with a simple cost effective equation to continue our winning ways in an outlandish but sensual style. Ready here is goes… 1. Look forward to Wednesday. If you don’t then fuck off we don’t want you. 2. Arrive to the field already having had at least one drink. This helps with nerves and bad breath. 3. Don’t pay Grant your money until the end of the season. This way he will always have a reason to motivate us to show up in the first place. 3. Try to have at least one time in which you take Parker’s sister out for ice cream. This will help you work on coordination and setting obtainable goals for yourself. 4. Turn that first ice cream date into getting some of her Hot Fudge Sunday. It’s really good and she keeps it real tidy like! 5. Practice racial slurs and back talk. This step insures that the umpires will be kept in line. 6. Don’t forget to wash behind your ears. No one like nasty dusty wax ears. 7. Cover your crotch when you’re around Ratliff. He likes to wiener watch and that you screw with your head. 8. Eat before you come but not too much as it will tamper with the level of your buzz. 9. Channel all the animals in the world and find what species best fits who you be. Own that animal like it’s molded from the very fabric of your soul and shoot for the stars. No Parker, Fairies aren’t animals but for arguments sake we will continue to allow you to be a fairy. 10. Listen and take everything I say seriously because I’m not only older than you but better looking and I have way bigger balls. I’m like a encouragement guru of biblical proportions and my words transcend time and space using mathematics and science to spread knowledge into your brains like they’re hot baked potatoes. It’s fact son, look that shit up.

          What have we learned today class? Simple, study hard, eat right, bang Parker’s sister and you’ll surely win at least 95% of your games. So your homework tonight is to follow these instructions and bring the Championship Trophy back to where it belongs, on my desk. I’ll send you fucks a picture!

IT’S MONDAY NIGHT, BABY!

          I don’t know why everyone is getting so worked up about tonight’s game between the Houston Texans and the Tennessee Titans. I know its Monday night and that’s cool and all but we might as well be playing the Cleveland Browns. The Titans are bringing their storied history into our house this go round and let me tell you that it’s not going to be pretty. You see they haven’t had a lot to be happy about recently. From Pacman to choking in their first play off game last year they’ve only made them selves look like a bunch of convicts. When they’re not loosing or getting arrested they’re crying and saying things like, “I don’t want to play, my pee pee hurts, everyone’s mean to me I’m going home.” That’s a whole other issue which we’ll touch base on is little bit.

          Let’s look at they’re body of work so far this year. They started the year by starting Captain Retard, Kerry Collins. Have you heard this guy talk? It’s hard to take someone seriously that can’t speak English.

          Collins isn’t much to right about because he’s as exciting as chicken fried steak. Speaking of chicken fried steak let’s talk about someone who obviously eats way to much of it. LenDale White is a fat ass plumper with more rings under his shirt than Saturn. It’s hard to watch him play simply because watching all the pudding he’s packing bounce up and down makes you want to vomit. Who the hell does he think he is walking around stomping on terrible towels? The only way he should be able to do that is if Jeff Fisher glues them to a treadmill and make that fat ass butt nugget drop some off the LB’s.

          Vince Young… I’ve respected him in the past. He brought a national championship to Texas and you’ve got to love that. But these days when he’s not crying or making sausage he’s sitting his well rested ass on the bench, that was before Kerry Collins destroyed the Titans 2009 season. All of a sudden the Titans have won three in a row. ALL HAIL VINCE… please, suck it! Tennessee had no place to go but up, anybody could have played better than Kerry Collins. Shit the dude is like 60 years old. Let me tell you what’s going to happen. We’re going to take Vince and start to dismantle him early, he’ll be crying by the second quarter. Stick to what you’re good at Vince, slangin’ that dirty smoked sausage that taste like butt leak from a buck tooth one eyed fag rabbit.

         I really can’t be asked to say much more because that would be unsportsmanlike so I’ll make this brief… Go eat a dick you logo stealing, convict having, redneck retard, crybaby, sausage promoting, rainbow chasing, fart knockers!  Oh yea and remember this Tennessee fan, GOD HATES YOU!

LET'S WIN BOTH GAMES!!!!

KEYS TO WINNING BOTH OUR GAMES

Being a winner these days can be tough. Achieving success and becoming a winning softball team can be achieved if you follow these five easy steps.

1. Always remember to bring your glove. You can’t play without a glove so there is absolutely no way for you to win. Common sense, simple common sense.

2. Show up on time. Nobody like the ass that shows up right at game time every week always making everyone question if you have the right amount of players.

3. Keep your eye on the ball. Softball can be a tricky game. This is even more true when you shut your eyes when you’re batting. Just ask Gene what happens when you take your eyes of the ball.

4. Drink before you leave for the fields, while driving to the fields, in the parking lot of the fields, basically all the way to the fields. The right amount of beer consumption is vital the your attitude on and off the diamond. Nobody likes the guy that sits around being sober. Remember… Drink, drink, drink!!!!

5. Don’t pop the ball up. You pop the ball up and some 4 and a half foot Asian guy or some 43 year old that’s hanging on to his youth is going to catch it. That happens three times my friends and you’re right back on the field. Nothing gets accomplished by popping out.

In closing do what you're told and everything will be just fine.

TPX MONKEY MILK / COMING TO A STORE NEAR YOU!

          Have you ever wondered how to make yourself a better person? Does the daily grind of life bring you down? Have you become a difficult person to be around? Well it doesn’t have to be that we any more because now there is a way to fight back… with TPX MONKEY MILK!

          TPX Monkey Milk is made from the freshest free range Monkey’s in the forest and has no additives or sugar. Nothing but tasty aged to perfection monkey milk. Studies show that our monkeys are smarter, faster, stronger, funnier and more sexually active than our leading competitors giving us an edge when it comes time to deliver the goods to you our loyal customers.

          TPX Monkey Milk was created by the top softball player in the land, 3rd baseman for the Houston Sports Plex TPX club, Thomas Bullard. When his team went from first place to last place in the course of a season, he knew something had to be done. Fortunately for the team, Thomas new a gentleman that knew how to harness the power of one of natures craziest but most exciting creatures. You guessed it the monkey!

          Thomas’ Monkeys are born and raised in the jungles of Asia and are kept enclosed in a brand new monkey reserve that Thomas dubbed T’s Fantastic Monkeyville! It’s a wonderful place where the furry little misfits run free and do monkey things all day long. There are bananas a plenty in this tropical setting, plus plenty of room to swing from vine to vine and impregnating the female monkeys. Creating new monkey in such a free environment does wonders the attitudes and well being of Thomas’ monkey prisoners. It’s great to have a happy monkey, especially when it comes time to harvest them for there milk.

          Harvesting these little guys can be a tricky job but Thomas hired a dedicated and well groomed team of monkey squeezers that works around the clock squeezing only the purest monkey milk from the furry vessels of milky profit. This ensures you the consumer that what you get is a top quality product.

The following are just a few reviews of TPX Monkey Milk as reported by you, the consumer. EJOY!

*Mr. Brad Altman from Houston writes… “Monkey milk makes me feel great like I’m floating on an ocean of milky success! Thanks Monkey Milk!”

*Mr. Gene Tenney from South Dallas says… “I’ve grown two whole inches since I began drinking the stuff! Now I can ride any rollercoaster I want!”

*Christian Gormely from Spring Texas writes in to tell us… “I’m so fresh and so clean now from drinking Monkey Milk I’ve started switching four lanes on a daily basis!”

*Grant Walker wants everyone to know that… “TPX Monkey Milk makes my pink parts tingle and gives me goose bumps the size of nipples!”

*THE HOUSTON SPORTS PLEX TPX CLUB was quoted as saying… “We were losers and now we’re winners thanks to the great taste of TPX MONKEY MILK!”

          So as you can clearly hear by those kind words, people are quite simply going bananas TPX MONKEY MILK. So head down to your neighborhood store and ask one or two, hell just buy all of them. We guarantee that you’ll be spanking your monkey in no time!

Hello there!  My name is Gene and I hate sand castles!
THE LIFE STORY OF GENE TENNEY, STRIKE OUT KING

INSERT STUPID THEME MUSIC HERE...

      It all started when I was a young boy trying to find my way round the sandbox at school.  The other children would all sit around building cool shit and all I could really do was poop.  While they were getting dirty and creating sandy masterpieces I stayed away.  I knew that my abilities to do anything constructive was limited so when anyone asked me, "Hey Gene, come build a sandcastle!"  I used to always respond with,"Na son, daddy gotta shit!"  I quickly gained a reputation as a bit of a poopy pants with a huge turd like attitude.

     I remember this one time that my little buddy Piss Pants Parker was working on this really huge beast of a castle.  As I looked at him constructing this amazing sand castle, I started to think of ways I could get in on all the fun.  I thought to myself, "Hey you stupid turd, just because you're not smart enought to mold a building from sand doesn't mean that you're not gifted in other areas, after all you are the king of potty pants round these here parts."  Everything truly did start to come together in ways in which I never thought possible.


      I made it my mission to incorporate my shit sharding talents into everyones sandcastle fun, but how?  What does poo poo have to do with sand?  Nothing to my knowlege, I mean poo and sand just don't go together.  What to do I thought as I blasted a fat pouch of goooooooo into my diaper?  Suddenly it hit me... SHIT CASTLES!  Either that or I'd try to make the poop hat that I'd invented with my limited intelligence.  No I'll stick with the shit castles.

          Now I know what you're thinking, shit castles? That doesn't make any sense, but wait my playground friends... it will. You see I like to call myself a bit of a master. The type of little dude that will never strike out in life let alone a softball game. So one afternoon while everyone was thinking about what kind of fortress to construct I was brewing up a nutty sort of building material that I was sure that nobody had used. It was hard to keep it in though due to the incredible amount of anticipation that was giving me butterflies like I'd never experienced before. 


          Suddenly our teacher said to us, "OK everyone, who wants to go outside for recess?" I threw my hands up it the air and started to say that I wanted to but unfortunately for me the action of my arms shooting above my head had an undesirable effect. Without warning I began to shoot turds shaped like avocado missiles into my brand new Osh Cosh pants. The smell was immediate and can only be described as offensive. Somewhat like I would expect cat food that had been left in a hot car for a few weeks would smell like. Why me I thought as everyone began screaming and vomiting all around me. It wasn't long before fingers started to point my way and so they should I mean I did just crap my pants. Even Piss Pants Parker started to laugh and point the blame my way. I couldn't take much more so I jumped up and began to make a run for the classroom door all the while leaving a colorful trail of poop every few feet as I ran. I guess the only good thing that came from that was at least I'd be able to find my way back to the class.

23 YEARS LATER

          Two strikes, is what the fat ass ump kept saying to me as I approached the plate during my softball teams second game of our weekly double header. Games on the line, I'm up what could go wrong. Suddenly I my mind began to wonder as I caught a brief smell of the toilets directly behind home plate. The smell was unquestionably the aftermath of some ass actually using the softball restrooms to take a crap. The odor immediately brought back the disturbing visualizations of Osh Cosh pants that I managed to fill with shit in the middle of my kindergarden class. I'd spent years trying to forget that and now it's taking over my thoughts completely. Focus, I kept telling myself. Right as my words of self encouragement began to make sense I heard... Strike three, you’re out midget!

      All I could hear was laughter as I put my head down and headed back to the dugout. My old friend Parker skipped over to me and let me know that everything was alright. He told me that this is just a game and that I'll have many more opportunities to prove myself and make up for this huge mistake that had just cost my TPX brother a win. Parker then told me of a wonderful party that he said that he was headed to and asked if I'd like to accompany him after the game. I didn't hesitate to say yes as I knew the type of parties that Parker goes to. I've always wanted to go to that kind of party so I did!   Here's a picture... That's me on the left there and Parker is a couple of girls over on the right. Thanks Parker that was a great night!

THE END

THE CREATION OF MY SOFTBALL TEAM / FICTION VERSION

GRANT: A PANDA STORY

          Let me tell you a story about two pandas who showed the world that just because you’re a little black and a little white doesn’t mean that you can’t live a normal life. You see these pandas were special because they liked to do the nasty all day everyday and because of that they didn’t spend much time thinking about what they could become. Pandas are a smart bunch but unfortunately for them they’re easily distracted by the uncontrollable panda lust that can be quite crippling if one lets it get out of hand. Any who there two interracial bears had an offspring. They should have had more considering the amount of time they spent knee deep in exotic panda juicy puss. This offspring would grow to become a great leader of other panda offspring. A leader like no other in fact he would grow to become the GREATEST PANDA EVER!!!

          When Grant the young panda boy was born he was ever so tiny. Some of the other pandas questioned if he was a panda at all, maybe a squirrel or a prairie dog the other pandas thought. Ever so slowly young Grant would start to grow and with this growth he began to fine tune what would soon become his gift… leadership. Although he grew slower and less than the others his mind grew much faster. He started to see the good and bad in the other pandas. He saw that even though some of the bad pandas were obviously stupid and in many cases retarded, that there was potential in everybody. Take Gene the sexually and vertically challenged panda cub. This panda had a great love for the lust much like Grants panda parents. He would spend days in his panda hut fiddling with his wee wee and shoving bamboo up his panda bottom. Seeing as Gene was one of the shortest pandas ever he felt that the other panda ladies wouldn’t like his style. You see Grant knew better, he saw that panda Gene just needed a little kick in the right direction. One day Grant went to Gene and said, “Don’t you know you can get splinters putting those bamboo branches up there?” “How would you like to come with me a help me form an elite panda softball team.” Gene was shocked and couldn’t believe that someone actually needed him for anything, so he pulled the bamboo from his tiny panda butt and said, “I’m with you.” And so it was formed the, the beginning stages of what would become TPX!!!!!!

          It wasn’t long after its initial formation that Grant and Gene found other fuzzy friends to join there cause. Take panda Thomas, he was a strange panda because he unlike the other pandas because he was a cripple. He had the bones of a old panda but the heart and arm of a great champion panda. Grant welcomed this cuddly little feller into his roster with open panda arms. Grant wasted no time helping young Thomas learn how and why to play panda softball. Thomas was a quick learner and would soon start to become a nice addition to Grant’s organization. Then you had panda Parker, known only for having a hot panda sister that all the other pandas shared as the panda partner. She truly was a saucy little number, I’m getting hard just writing about it… I’ll be back in a second…

          OK, sorry about that. I got a little worked up talking about panda Parker’s sister and had to go take care of something. Back to what I was saying panda Parker was brought onto the team because panda Grant wanted all the other pandas to know that Parker existed and had much to offer to hopes and goals that Grant had for TPX. Parker was a dedicated little panda and would soon become the greatest panda catchers of all time.

          Panda Grant was very pleased with his panda progress but wasn’t finished. He made additions here and there, filling gaps, moving pandas around until everyone started to see the team come together. Pandas all over the forest wanted to be apart of this amazing thing that was happening but Grant knew that he had to make his final choices count and really put this panda party over the top. One day while walking through the forest Grant walked up upon a tall handsome panda having his way with panda Parker’s panda sister. The handsome Panda said, “Hey stubby do you mind, I’m trying to show this b-atch a pandtastic time!” Grant waited and waited and waited and waited until finally the handsome panda had finished his sweet sweet love making. HE began to approach the tired panda and said, “Hey there, what’s your name?” “Panda Sam”, the hunky panda replied. “How would you like to join a team that will guarantee you all the panda pussy your little panda pants can handle, how would you like to join TPX!” Panda Sam jumped with excitement, as he had heard of this amazing team but didn’t think he’d ever have the chance to join.

            The circle had finally closed and the Panda force that we now know as TPX had been constructed to its upmost potential. Grant looked up upon his team of hungry pandas and smiled. His next words would go down in history as some of the most famous and inspirational panda words ever to cross over panda lips. He simply said, “ITS MOTHER FUCKING PANDA TIME BITCHES!!!!”

THE END

LENNON McCARTY: I’M BLACK, DON’T JUDGE ME!

ACT ONE: SCENE ONE

          When we first got Lennon McCartney my wife and I had only been married a short time. To be honest with you, we really couldn't afford to buy him let alone take care of him. I remember the day well, we were out getting some stuff done nothing really important, just random errands. We passed by the Hobby Lobby parking lot where I worked fro a short time as a custom framing extraordinaire. I don't like to brag but I can frame with the best of them. Anyway we were driving past when we saw a sign that says MINITURE SHAUZERS PUPPIES FOR SALE. Seeing that my Kristin's family had only ever had this one type of dog she immediately started crying like a baby for me to drive over and see the puppies. I told her to stop with her alligator tears already and headed that way.

          As we approached the children's play pen where the puppies were I started to feel the urge to purchase a dog. I hadn't even seen them yet and already I was planning reasons in my head to use in negotiations with my wife and my conscience in order to guarantee my victory. Once we gazed over the top and looked down to see the five little pups below we were automatically drawn too our little man. We held him and began justifying to each other why we needed to make this purchase, none of which were valid or good reasons.  He was so tiny and black that we couldn't deny that we wanted this little guy, we just need to think about it a bit more.  If you can believe this next part, we actually drove away with out Lennon at first. We discussed the thought of having another living thing in our apartment with us for like one or two hours before driving to an ATM to withdraw just enough funds to complete the transaction that would change our lives forever.

ACT ONE: SCENE TWO

Life from the Eye's of a Puppy.

          What the hell is happening????? Where the hell did my brothers and sisters go and who the hell are these idiots talking to me like retards? Why does the handsome one keep telling me he thinks so over and over? What do you think so about stupid, you're confusing me! I have no idea where I am and I've got to take a shit. If someone doesn't pull the car over in a second I'm going to shit on one of you two!

ACT TWO: SCENE ONE

Homecoming

          As Kristin and I drove home to our third story apartment with the newest addition to our family we couldn't help but be exited. Lennon was the first real big step that we'd taken together since our wedding vows back on the 10th of March. Eager to share our new home with Lennon I pulled the Envoy, or as I like to call it the Turd Mobile, into the nearest available parking space that was open by our apartment. As soon as we stepped out of the truck and place the little fella on the grass he began to drop a duece. That's a shit for the slow one. We laughed as he tried walking around trying to figure out where he was not really thinking about how confusing and tough that particular situation mush have been for him.

          Just as he began to get comfortable I snagged him off the grass and hustled up the stairs, Kristin followed close behind the whole time crying give him to me. Again I told her, quit your crying women, you're going to upset him. As I approached the top of the stairs I began to dig through my pockets to locate my keys. As I pulled them out, beer bottle caps rained down to the ground like bullets from a the night of drinking several hours before. I twisted the key and opened the door to Lennon's new life.

ACT TWO: SCENE TWO

NO CABLE, WHAT THE F*%K!

          God, I thought I'd never get to take that shit! I was seriously like two seconds away from sharding on the tall ones shirt. I wish they'd put me down, I'd not crippled you know. This place is pretty cool... Holy shit, look at the size of that TV. I could definitely could get used to this, I love me some TV! I'm getting a chili pepper just thinking about it! The better have freaking cable or I'm going to bite someone. Holy mother of Fido, is that a TV antenna? NO CABLE, WHAT THE F*%K! What am I supposed to do around here?

To Be Continued...

Next Time on LENNON McCARTNEY, I'M BLACK DON'T JUDGE ME.

ACT THREE: SCENE ONE

SETTLING IN

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

"TO PLAY OR NOT TO PLAY, THAT IS THE QUESTION?"

          To play or not to play, that is the question. What to do with your quarterback that is in the midst of the worst hangover he's ever had. Mr. All Mighty Tim Tebow took one of the most monstrous shot ever seen in a nationally televised game two Saturdays ago when the number one ranked Florida Gators took on a unranked Kentucky. Never mind the fact that that Tebow wasn't feeling well before the game and had to take a privately chartered plane to the game, but why continue to play the kid when you've already worked up a commanding lead on a SEC team that’s about as talented as a bag of soggy breakfast tacos. The only thing I can think of is Urban Meyer saw the signs and those signs said detour. The detour... Louisiana State University. Thant’s right the bayou Bengals of LSU.

          I believe Urban Meyer saw the most underrated team in the nation rapidly approaching. Here's a team that flew half way across the nation to play a Washington team that has surprised the nation this year a few times already. First of all they Washington gave the Tigers a game which nobody saw coming. Then right after that they go and beat the all powerful USC Trojans who by the way is the most over rated bunch gang of turds I've ever seen. I wish that espn and everyone else on T.V. would get off Steve Carols nuts already. They don't play anyone! Ohio State, ohhhhhhh scary, not!

         
          Next the Tigers took on a much improved Vandy team. I know that there's some Longhorn somewhere right now saying, "Oh lord, Vanderbelt they're tough!?????” I say to that guy, why don't you put them on your schedule instead of ULM, UTEP, North Texas and chumps like that. Play someone already! If you think playing those teams will prepare you for playing a SEC team in the National Championship, then by all means continue to schedule powder puff football games.
         
          I'll go ahead and leave the ULL game out of this conversation which would in turn bring us to the Mississippi State game in which the Tigers would make there way East to take on a team with one of the top running back in the Nation. Mr. Dixon will run it down your throat every time if you don't come prepared to play. I string of amazing defensive stops secured the Tigers victory bringing their record to 4 and 0.

          Let us not play down the victory that LSU pulled out in Athens just last week verses the Georgia Bulldogs. Athens is one of the hardest places to play in college football and the Tigers strolled in there and pulled out a hard fought victory which guarantees you and I the privilege of seeing the number one and number four team in the nation go head to head this weekend.

          As a storm rapidly approaches and the cold air not far behind, Les Miles prepares his battlefield. Never mind that Death Valley is one of the toughest and loadest places to play in the land but this game is being played at night. The Tigers don't loose at night, its science! Do some research and you'll see. Do I want Tebow in, of coarse I do. I want the best game possible, but if he's not ready you can't play him. If John Brantley gives them the Gators the best chance to win then that's who I want to face. You see LSU fans don't like the road to the big game to be easy. Never have, we're not Trojans.