Just ask Gene what it’s like to get frost bite on his nuts. I remember that drive to the emergency room well. We’d just finished a double hitter when he collapsed in pain while reaching into his pant and screaming, “They’re gone, my nuts, they’re gone!” My brother and I chucked him into the bed of my trucked and raced to Memorial Herman. It was a race to save Gene’s genitalia but sadly it was a race that was lost. Gene is still good at softball and we let him play on our men’s league but he now makes an even better dickless post op freak of nature and the ugliest woman I’ve ever know.
Five time TPX strike out leader and our valiant coach Grant told a reliable source that he see’s more wins in our future. That source then went on to say that Grant gives good head and that he’s got the sphincter of a 5 year old hippopotamus. You might think, “Hey that can’t be tight?” Well it is tight so just shut up and read! The point is that Grant has faith in us so we should oblige him with two more victories.
2 x 2 = 4. You know how I know that? Because I’m fucking smart and from the knowledge that I’ve acquired through out the years I’ve come up with a simple cost effective equation to continue our winning ways in an outlandish but sensual style. Ready here is goes… 1. Look forward to Wednesday. If you don’t then fuck off we don’t want you. 2. Arrive to the field already having had at least one drink. This helps with nerves and bad breath. 3. Don’t pay Grant your money until the end of the season. This way he will always have a reason to motivate us to show up in the first place. 3. Try to have at least one time in which you take Parker’s sister out for ice cream. This will help you work on coordination and setting obtainable goals for yourself. 4. Turn that first ice cream date into getting some of her Hot Fudge Sunday. It’s really good and she keeps it real tidy like! 5. Practice racial slurs and back talk. This step insures that the umpires will be kept in line. 6. Don’t forget to wash behind your ears. No one like nasty dusty wax ears. 7. Cover your crotch when you’re around Ratliff. He likes to wiener watch and that you screw with your head. 8. Eat before you come but not too much as it will tamper with the level of your buzz. 9. Channel all the animals in the world and find what species best fits who you be. Own that animal like it’s molded from the very fabric of your soul and shoot for the stars. No Parker, Fairies aren’t animals but for arguments sake we will continue to allow you to be a fairy. 10. Listen and take everything I say seriously because I’m not only older than you but better looking and I have way bigger balls. I’m like a encouragement guru of biblical proportions and my words transcend time and space using mathematics and science to spread knowledge into your brains like they’re hot baked potatoes. It’s fact son, look that shit up.
What have we learned today class? Simple, study hard, eat right, bang Parker’s sister and you’ll surely win at least 95% of your games. So your homework tonight is to follow these instructions and bring the Championship Trophy back to where it belongs, on my desk. I’ll send you fucks a picture!
You are such a douche. Keep it up!
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