PLAYOFFS!!!

Winning is what we do, hell it’s what we are! I don’t know about you but losing tonight isn’t what I plan to do. I’ll be the guy racially slurring my way to a victory. There’s no other option for us. If we loose then it’s because we’re losers! Are you a loser? Do you like to be the guy that walks out complaining? So man up you fags and lets light up some bitches like never before!  Listen everyone's on your side, they want to see us win.  Billy Mays came to me in a dream last night and said, "You better win this shit!"  Then I said, "But Billy... We..."  He stopped me right there and said, "Shut your whore mouth when Billy Mays is talking!"

Stunned by my sleepy time Billy Mays pep rally, I awoke to a vision. You know what that vision was? Fucking victory son! Like a panda on a jungle gym I burst out of my bed and into my pantaloons and was ready to face the day! Would the excitement last the whole day? Would I be able to maintain this level of samtasticness throughout the day? Only God and Billy Mays knows that but I knew one thing and that was that I was sure to do my best to keep this buzz kicking like yellow discharge from Ratcliff’s vagina!

Speaking of Discharge, that’s what we should change are team name too if we loose tonight because we won’t deserve to keep the name TPX if we don’t win. Is that what you want? All types of people can win, why not us? This guy is winning…

This family is winning...

Do you know who loses? This guy loses…

This thing loses...

SIDE NOTE:  THIS IS GENE'S DAD BY THE WAY!

 

This guy is totally a winner!

 

 

This son of a bitch is winning something!!!

These guys are not winners...

So remember the...

Twas the Week before Christmas TPX POEM

WE BE PLAYING TONIGHT SON!!!

Twas the week before Christmas, when all through HTOWN

Many a ballers was stirring, warming up to get down.

Their beers were filled up by the bar with care,

In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.

The pandas were ready all drunk in their car,

While visions of victory danced around like a whore at a bar.

Thomas is nursing his foot and his back,

While Gene practices oral with his new softball bat.

Ratliff thinks of homers while Dustin does the same,

Parker dreams of Nevling striping naked in rain.

Grant make the roster moving Sam up for sure,

moving Thomas to the bottom because he never scores.

I hope that we play says Grant to himself,

while having sex with Parkers sister dressed up like an ELF.

“Give it to me Santa!” She screams out with Glee,

“Man she like anal” Now this Grant can see!

We rush to the fields ready to swing our big sticks,

Giving wins to ourselves like fucking St Nick.

what do you do when you’re so fucking great,

You beat suckas down like gangbangs and rape!

"Now Ratliff! now, Parker! Now, Thomas and Sam!

On, Dustin! On, Gene! On, on Nevling oh damn!

The rest of the squad should be ready to fight,

For victory is tasty like afternoon delight!

Will the team be ready to show how it’s done,

Or play like the ladies with their thumbs up their bums.

Drinking beer while they play, smoking cigarettes too,

eating nachos that really make you have to poo .

I hope Santa isn’t watching to see how we roll,

Winning while drinking and pissing it up on a wall ,

So come one come all and see how we do, 

It’s about to get dirty, check your pants for doo doo!!!

TPX: 10 WAYS TO WIN!!!

          Being on top of the World is a privilege not a right. If you think you just deserve to be on to of this league because we’re incredible then you my friend are a massive fuck tard! We have to play to win every time or we will crumble into that weak ass team that we’ve tried so hard to forget. That means playing all 45 minutes and staying intoxicated the entire time no matter how cold it gets. Oh yes, it will get cold and believe me you’ll want to be intoxicated so that the pain from your nuts shriveling into your inner pelvic region is slightly dulled.

          Just ask Gene what it’s like to get frost bite on his nuts. I remember that drive to the emergency room well. We’d just finished a double hitter when he collapsed in pain while reaching into his pant and screaming, “They’re gone, my nuts, they’re gone!” My brother and I chucked him into the bed of my trucked and raced to Memorial Herman. It was a race to save Gene’s genitalia but sadly it was a race that was lost. Gene is still good at softball and we let him play on our men’s league but he now makes an even better dickless post op freak of nature and the ugliest woman I’ve ever know.

          Five time TPX strike out leader and our valiant coach Grant told a reliable source that he see’s more wins in our future. That source then went on to say that Grant gives good head and that he’s got the sphincter of a 5 year old hippopotamus. You might think, “Hey that can’t be tight?” Well it is tight so just shut up and read! The point is that Grant has faith in us so we should oblige him with two more victories.

          2 x 2 = 4. You know how I know that? Because I’m fucking smart and from the knowledge that I’ve acquired through out the years I’ve come up with a simple cost effective equation to continue our winning ways in an outlandish but sensual style. Ready here is goes… 1. Look forward to Wednesday. If you don’t then fuck off we don’t want you. 2. Arrive to the field already having had at least one drink. This helps with nerves and bad breath. 3. Don’t pay Grant your money until the end of the season. This way he will always have a reason to motivate us to show up in the first place. 3. Try to have at least one time in which you take Parker’s sister out for ice cream. This will help you work on coordination and setting obtainable goals for yourself. 4. Turn that first ice cream date into getting some of her Hot Fudge Sunday. It’s really good and she keeps it real tidy like! 5. Practice racial slurs and back talk. This step insures that the umpires will be kept in line. 6. Don’t forget to wash behind your ears. No one like nasty dusty wax ears. 7. Cover your crotch when you’re around Ratliff. He likes to wiener watch and that you screw with your head. 8. Eat before you come but not too much as it will tamper with the level of your buzz. 9. Channel all the animals in the world and find what species best fits who you be. Own that animal like it’s molded from the very fabric of your soul and shoot for the stars. No Parker, Fairies aren’t animals but for arguments sake we will continue to allow you to be a fairy. 10. Listen and take everything I say seriously because I’m not only older than you but better looking and I have way bigger balls. I’m like a encouragement guru of biblical proportions and my words transcend time and space using mathematics and science to spread knowledge into your brains like they’re hot baked potatoes. It’s fact son, look that shit up.

          What have we learned today class? Simple, study hard, eat right, bang Parker’s sister and you’ll surely win at least 95% of your games. So your homework tonight is to follow these instructions and bring the Championship Trophy back to where it belongs, on my desk. I’ll send you fucks a picture!

IT’S MONDAY NIGHT, BABY!

          I don’t know why everyone is getting so worked up about tonight’s game between the Houston Texans and the Tennessee Titans. I know its Monday night and that’s cool and all but we might as well be playing the Cleveland Browns. The Titans are bringing their storied history into our house this go round and let me tell you that it’s not going to be pretty. You see they haven’t had a lot to be happy about recently. From Pacman to choking in their first play off game last year they’ve only made them selves look like a bunch of convicts. When they’re not loosing or getting arrested they’re crying and saying things like, “I don’t want to play, my pee pee hurts, everyone’s mean to me I’m going home.” That’s a whole other issue which we’ll touch base on is little bit.

          Let’s look at they’re body of work so far this year. They started the year by starting Captain Retard, Kerry Collins. Have you heard this guy talk? It’s hard to take someone seriously that can’t speak English.

          Collins isn’t much to right about because he’s as exciting as chicken fried steak. Speaking of chicken fried steak let’s talk about someone who obviously eats way to much of it. LenDale White is a fat ass plumper with more rings under his shirt than Saturn. It’s hard to watch him play simply because watching all the pudding he’s packing bounce up and down makes you want to vomit. Who the hell does he think he is walking around stomping on terrible towels? The only way he should be able to do that is if Jeff Fisher glues them to a treadmill and make that fat ass butt nugget drop some off the LB’s.

          Vince Young… I’ve respected him in the past. He brought a national championship to Texas and you’ve got to love that. But these days when he’s not crying or making sausage he’s sitting his well rested ass on the bench, that was before Kerry Collins destroyed the Titans 2009 season. All of a sudden the Titans have won three in a row. ALL HAIL VINCE… please, suck it! Tennessee had no place to go but up, anybody could have played better than Kerry Collins. Shit the dude is like 60 years old. Let me tell you what’s going to happen. We’re going to take Vince and start to dismantle him early, he’ll be crying by the second quarter. Stick to what you’re good at Vince, slangin’ that dirty smoked sausage that taste like butt leak from a buck tooth one eyed fag rabbit.

         I really can’t be asked to say much more because that would be unsportsmanlike so I’ll make this brief… Go eat a dick you logo stealing, convict having, redneck retard, crybaby, sausage promoting, rainbow chasing, fart knockers!  Oh yea and remember this Tennessee fan, GOD HATES YOU!

LET'S WIN BOTH GAMES!!!!

KEYS TO WINNING BOTH OUR GAMES

Being a winner these days can be tough. Achieving success and becoming a winning softball team can be achieved if you follow these five easy steps.

1. Always remember to bring your glove. You can’t play without a glove so there is absolutely no way for you to win. Common sense, simple common sense.

2. Show up on time. Nobody like the ass that shows up right at game time every week always making everyone question if you have the right amount of players.

3. Keep your eye on the ball. Softball can be a tricky game. This is even more true when you shut your eyes when you’re batting. Just ask Gene what happens when you take your eyes of the ball.

4. Drink before you leave for the fields, while driving to the fields, in the parking lot of the fields, basically all the way to the fields. The right amount of beer consumption is vital the your attitude on and off the diamond. Nobody likes the guy that sits around being sober. Remember… Drink, drink, drink!!!!

5. Don’t pop the ball up. You pop the ball up and some 4 and a half foot Asian guy or some 43 year old that’s hanging on to his youth is going to catch it. That happens three times my friends and you’re right back on the field. Nothing gets accomplished by popping out.

In closing do what you're told and everything will be just fine.

TPX MONKEY MILK / COMING TO A STORE NEAR YOU!

          Have you ever wondered how to make yourself a better person? Does the daily grind of life bring you down? Have you become a difficult person to be around? Well it doesn’t have to be that we any more because now there is a way to fight back… with TPX MONKEY MILK!

          TPX Monkey Milk is made from the freshest free range Monkey’s in the forest and has no additives or sugar. Nothing but tasty aged to perfection monkey milk. Studies show that our monkeys are smarter, faster, stronger, funnier and more sexually active than our leading competitors giving us an edge when it comes time to deliver the goods to you our loyal customers.

          TPX Monkey Milk was created by the top softball player in the land, 3rd baseman for the Houston Sports Plex TPX club, Thomas Bullard. When his team went from first place to last place in the course of a season, he knew something had to be done. Fortunately for the team, Thomas new a gentleman that knew how to harness the power of one of natures craziest but most exciting creatures. You guessed it the monkey!

          Thomas’ Monkeys are born and raised in the jungles of Asia and are kept enclosed in a brand new monkey reserve that Thomas dubbed T’s Fantastic Monkeyville! It’s a wonderful place where the furry little misfits run free and do monkey things all day long. There are bananas a plenty in this tropical setting, plus plenty of room to swing from vine to vine and impregnating the female monkeys. Creating new monkey in such a free environment does wonders the attitudes and well being of Thomas’ monkey prisoners. It’s great to have a happy monkey, especially when it comes time to harvest them for there milk.

          Harvesting these little guys can be a tricky job but Thomas hired a dedicated and well groomed team of monkey squeezers that works around the clock squeezing only the purest monkey milk from the furry vessels of milky profit. This ensures you the consumer that what you get is a top quality product.

The following are just a few reviews of TPX Monkey Milk as reported by you, the consumer. EJOY!

*Mr. Brad Altman from Houston writes… “Monkey milk makes me feel great like I’m floating on an ocean of milky success! Thanks Monkey Milk!”

*Mr. Gene Tenney from South Dallas says… “I’ve grown two whole inches since I began drinking the stuff! Now I can ride any rollercoaster I want!”

*Christian Gormely from Spring Texas writes in to tell us… “I’m so fresh and so clean now from drinking Monkey Milk I’ve started switching four lanes on a daily basis!”

*Grant Walker wants everyone to know that… “TPX Monkey Milk makes my pink parts tingle and gives me goose bumps the size of nipples!”

*THE HOUSTON SPORTS PLEX TPX CLUB was quoted as saying… “We were losers and now we’re winners thanks to the great taste of TPX MONKEY MILK!”

          So as you can clearly hear by those kind words, people are quite simply going bananas TPX MONKEY MILK. So head down to your neighborhood store and ask one or two, hell just buy all of them. We guarantee that you’ll be spanking your monkey in no time!

Hello there!  My name is Gene and I hate sand castles!
THE LIFE STORY OF GENE TENNEY, STRIKE OUT KING

INSERT STUPID THEME MUSIC HERE...

      It all started when I was a young boy trying to find my way round the sandbox at school.  The other children would all sit around building cool shit and all I could really do was poop.  While they were getting dirty and creating sandy masterpieces I stayed away.  I knew that my abilities to do anything constructive was limited so when anyone asked me, "Hey Gene, come build a sandcastle!"  I used to always respond with,"Na son, daddy gotta shit!"  I quickly gained a reputation as a bit of a poopy pants with a huge turd like attitude.

     I remember this one time that my little buddy Piss Pants Parker was working on this really huge beast of a castle.  As I looked at him constructing this amazing sand castle, I started to think of ways I could get in on all the fun.  I thought to myself, "Hey you stupid turd, just because you're not smart enought to mold a building from sand doesn't mean that you're not gifted in other areas, after all you are the king of potty pants round these here parts."  Everything truly did start to come together in ways in which I never thought possible.


      I made it my mission to incorporate my shit sharding talents into everyones sandcastle fun, but how?  What does poo poo have to do with sand?  Nothing to my knowlege, I mean poo and sand just don't go together.  What to do I thought as I blasted a fat pouch of goooooooo into my diaper?  Suddenly it hit me... SHIT CASTLES!  Either that or I'd try to make the poop hat that I'd invented with my limited intelligence.  No I'll stick with the shit castles.

          Now I know what you're thinking, shit castles? That doesn't make any sense, but wait my playground friends... it will. You see I like to call myself a bit of a master. The type of little dude that will never strike out in life let alone a softball game. So one afternoon while everyone was thinking about what kind of fortress to construct I was brewing up a nutty sort of building material that I was sure that nobody had used. It was hard to keep it in though due to the incredible amount of anticipation that was giving me butterflies like I'd never experienced before. 


          Suddenly our teacher said to us, "OK everyone, who wants to go outside for recess?" I threw my hands up it the air and started to say that I wanted to but unfortunately for me the action of my arms shooting above my head had an undesirable effect. Without warning I began to shoot turds shaped like avocado missiles into my brand new Osh Cosh pants. The smell was immediate and can only be described as offensive. Somewhat like I would expect cat food that had been left in a hot car for a few weeks would smell like. Why me I thought as everyone began screaming and vomiting all around me. It wasn't long before fingers started to point my way and so they should I mean I did just crap my pants. Even Piss Pants Parker started to laugh and point the blame my way. I couldn't take much more so I jumped up and began to make a run for the classroom door all the while leaving a colorful trail of poop every few feet as I ran. I guess the only good thing that came from that was at least I'd be able to find my way back to the class.

23 YEARS LATER

          Two strikes, is what the fat ass ump kept saying to me as I approached the plate during my softball teams second game of our weekly double header. Games on the line, I'm up what could go wrong. Suddenly I my mind began to wonder as I caught a brief smell of the toilets directly behind home plate. The smell was unquestionably the aftermath of some ass actually using the softball restrooms to take a crap. The odor immediately brought back the disturbing visualizations of Osh Cosh pants that I managed to fill with shit in the middle of my kindergarden class. I'd spent years trying to forget that and now it's taking over my thoughts completely. Focus, I kept telling myself. Right as my words of self encouragement began to make sense I heard... Strike three, you’re out midget!

      All I could hear was laughter as I put my head down and headed back to the dugout. My old friend Parker skipped over to me and let me know that everything was alright. He told me that this is just a game and that I'll have many more opportunities to prove myself and make up for this huge mistake that had just cost my TPX brother a win. Parker then told me of a wonderful party that he said that he was headed to and asked if I'd like to accompany him after the game. I didn't hesitate to say yes as I knew the type of parties that Parker goes to. I've always wanted to go to that kind of party so I did!   Here's a picture... That's me on the left there and Parker is a couple of girls over on the right. Thanks Parker that was a great night!

THE END