Twas the Week before Christmas TPX POEM

WE BE PLAYING TONIGHT SON!!!

Twas the week before Christmas, when all through HTOWN

Many a ballers was stirring, warming up to get down.

Their beers were filled up by the bar with care,

In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.

The pandas were ready all drunk in their car,

While visions of victory danced around like a whore at a bar.

Thomas is nursing his foot and his back,

While Gene practices oral with his new softball bat.

Ratliff thinks of homers while Dustin does the same,

Parker dreams of Nevling striping naked in rain.

Grant make the roster moving Sam up for sure,

moving Thomas to the bottom because he never scores.

I hope that we play says Grant to himself,

while having sex with Parkers sister dressed up like an ELF.

“Give it to me Santa!” She screams out with Glee,

“Man she like anal” Now this Grant can see!

We rush to the fields ready to swing our big sticks,

Giving wins to ourselves like fucking St Nick.

what do you do when you’re so fucking great,

You beat suckas down like gangbangs and rape!

"Now Ratliff! now, Parker! Now, Thomas and Sam!

On, Dustin! On, Gene! On, on Nevling oh damn!

The rest of the squad should be ready to fight,

For victory is tasty like afternoon delight!

Will the team be ready to show how it’s done,

Or play like the ladies with their thumbs up their bums.

Drinking beer while they play, smoking cigarettes too,

eating nachos that really make you have to poo .

I hope Santa isn’t watching to see how we roll,

Winning while drinking and pissing it up on a wall ,

So come one come all and see how we do, 

It’s about to get dirty, check your pants for doo doo!!!

TPX: 10 WAYS TO WIN!!!

          Being on top of the World is a privilege not a right. If you think you just deserve to be on to of this league because we’re incredible then you my friend are a massive fuck tard! We have to play to win every time or we will crumble into that weak ass team that we’ve tried so hard to forget. That means playing all 45 minutes and staying intoxicated the entire time no matter how cold it gets. Oh yes, it will get cold and believe me you’ll want to be intoxicated so that the pain from your nuts shriveling into your inner pelvic region is slightly dulled.

          Just ask Gene what it’s like to get frost bite on his nuts. I remember that drive to the emergency room well. We’d just finished a double hitter when he collapsed in pain while reaching into his pant and screaming, “They’re gone, my nuts, they’re gone!” My brother and I chucked him into the bed of my trucked and raced to Memorial Herman. It was a race to save Gene’s genitalia but sadly it was a race that was lost. Gene is still good at softball and we let him play on our men’s league but he now makes an even better dickless post op freak of nature and the ugliest woman I’ve ever know.

          Five time TPX strike out leader and our valiant coach Grant told a reliable source that he see’s more wins in our future. That source then went on to say that Grant gives good head and that he’s got the sphincter of a 5 year old hippopotamus. You might think, “Hey that can’t be tight?” Well it is tight so just shut up and read! The point is that Grant has faith in us so we should oblige him with two more victories.

          2 x 2 = 4. You know how I know that? Because I’m fucking smart and from the knowledge that I’ve acquired through out the years I’ve come up with a simple cost effective equation to continue our winning ways in an outlandish but sensual style. Ready here is goes… 1. Look forward to Wednesday. If you don’t then fuck off we don’t want you. 2. Arrive to the field already having had at least one drink. This helps with nerves and bad breath. 3. Don’t pay Grant your money until the end of the season. This way he will always have a reason to motivate us to show up in the first place. 3. Try to have at least one time in which you take Parker’s sister out for ice cream. This will help you work on coordination and setting obtainable goals for yourself. 4. Turn that first ice cream date into getting some of her Hot Fudge Sunday. It’s really good and she keeps it real tidy like! 5. Practice racial slurs and back talk. This step insures that the umpires will be kept in line. 6. Don’t forget to wash behind your ears. No one like nasty dusty wax ears. 7. Cover your crotch when you’re around Ratliff. He likes to wiener watch and that you screw with your head. 8. Eat before you come but not too much as it will tamper with the level of your buzz. 9. Channel all the animals in the world and find what species best fits who you be. Own that animal like it’s molded from the very fabric of your soul and shoot for the stars. No Parker, Fairies aren’t animals but for arguments sake we will continue to allow you to be a fairy. 10. Listen and take everything I say seriously because I’m not only older than you but better looking and I have way bigger balls. I’m like a encouragement guru of biblical proportions and my words transcend time and space using mathematics and science to spread knowledge into your brains like they’re hot baked potatoes. It’s fact son, look that shit up.

          What have we learned today class? Simple, study hard, eat right, bang Parker’s sister and you’ll surely win at least 95% of your games. So your homework tonight is to follow these instructions and bring the Championship Trophy back to where it belongs, on my desk. I’ll send you fucks a picture!