IT’S MONDAY NIGHT, BABY!

          I don’t know why everyone is getting so worked up about tonight’s game between the Houston Texans and the Tennessee Titans. I know its Monday night and that’s cool and all but we might as well be playing the Cleveland Browns. The Titans are bringing their storied history into our house this go round and let me tell you that it’s not going to be pretty. You see they haven’t had a lot to be happy about recently. From Pacman to choking in their first play off game last year they’ve only made them selves look like a bunch of convicts. When they’re not loosing or getting arrested they’re crying and saying things like, “I don’t want to play, my pee pee hurts, everyone’s mean to me I’m going home.” That’s a whole other issue which we’ll touch base on is little bit.

          Let’s look at they’re body of work so far this year. They started the year by starting Captain Retard, Kerry Collins. Have you heard this guy talk? It’s hard to take someone seriously that can’t speak English.

          Collins isn’t much to right about because he’s as exciting as chicken fried steak. Speaking of chicken fried steak let’s talk about someone who obviously eats way to much of it. LenDale White is a fat ass plumper with more rings under his shirt than Saturn. It’s hard to watch him play simply because watching all the pudding he’s packing bounce up and down makes you want to vomit. Who the hell does he think he is walking around stomping on terrible towels? The only way he should be able to do that is if Jeff Fisher glues them to a treadmill and make that fat ass butt nugget drop some off the LB’s.

          Vince Young… I’ve respected him in the past. He brought a national championship to Texas and you’ve got to love that. But these days when he’s not crying or making sausage he’s sitting his well rested ass on the bench, that was before Kerry Collins destroyed the Titans 2009 season. All of a sudden the Titans have won three in a row. ALL HAIL VINCE… please, suck it! Tennessee had no place to go but up, anybody could have played better than Kerry Collins. Shit the dude is like 60 years old. Let me tell you what’s going to happen. We’re going to take Vince and start to dismantle him early, he’ll be crying by the second quarter. Stick to what you’re good at Vince, slangin’ that dirty smoked sausage that taste like butt leak from a buck tooth one eyed fag rabbit.

         I really can’t be asked to say much more because that would be unsportsmanlike so I’ll make this brief… Go eat a dick you logo stealing, convict having, redneck retard, crybaby, sausage promoting, rainbow chasing, fart knockers!  Oh yea and remember this Tennessee fan, GOD HATES YOU!

LET'S WIN BOTH GAMES!!!!

KEYS TO WINNING BOTH OUR GAMES

Being a winner these days can be tough. Achieving success and becoming a winning softball team can be achieved if you follow these five easy steps.

1. Always remember to bring your glove. You can’t play without a glove so there is absolutely no way for you to win. Common sense, simple common sense.

2. Show up on time. Nobody like the ass that shows up right at game time every week always making everyone question if you have the right amount of players.

3. Keep your eye on the ball. Softball can be a tricky game. This is even more true when you shut your eyes when you’re batting. Just ask Gene what happens when you take your eyes of the ball.

4. Drink before you leave for the fields, while driving to the fields, in the parking lot of the fields, basically all the way to the fields. The right amount of beer consumption is vital the your attitude on and off the diamond. Nobody likes the guy that sits around being sober. Remember… Drink, drink, drink!!!!

5. Don’t pop the ball up. You pop the ball up and some 4 and a half foot Asian guy or some 43 year old that’s hanging on to his youth is going to catch it. That happens three times my friends and you’re right back on the field. Nothing gets accomplished by popping out.

In closing do what you're told and everything will be just fine.

TPX MONKEY MILK / COMING TO A STORE NEAR YOU!

          Have you ever wondered how to make yourself a better person? Does the daily grind of life bring you down? Have you become a difficult person to be around? Well it doesn’t have to be that we any more because now there is a way to fight back… with TPX MONKEY MILK!

          TPX Monkey Milk is made from the freshest free range Monkey’s in the forest and has no additives or sugar. Nothing but tasty aged to perfection monkey milk. Studies show that our monkeys are smarter, faster, stronger, funnier and more sexually active than our leading competitors giving us an edge when it comes time to deliver the goods to you our loyal customers.

          TPX Monkey Milk was created by the top softball player in the land, 3rd baseman for the Houston Sports Plex TPX club, Thomas Bullard. When his team went from first place to last place in the course of a season, he knew something had to be done. Fortunately for the team, Thomas new a gentleman that knew how to harness the power of one of natures craziest but most exciting creatures. You guessed it the monkey!

          Thomas’ Monkeys are born and raised in the jungles of Asia and are kept enclosed in a brand new monkey reserve that Thomas dubbed T’s Fantastic Monkeyville! It’s a wonderful place where the furry little misfits run free and do monkey things all day long. There are bananas a plenty in this tropical setting, plus plenty of room to swing from vine to vine and impregnating the female monkeys. Creating new monkey in such a free environment does wonders the attitudes and well being of Thomas’ monkey prisoners. It’s great to have a happy monkey, especially when it comes time to harvest them for there milk.

          Harvesting these little guys can be a tricky job but Thomas hired a dedicated and well groomed team of monkey squeezers that works around the clock squeezing only the purest monkey milk from the furry vessels of milky profit. This ensures you the consumer that what you get is a top quality product.

The following are just a few reviews of TPX Monkey Milk as reported by you, the consumer. EJOY!

*Mr. Brad Altman from Houston writes… “Monkey milk makes me feel great like I’m floating on an ocean of milky success! Thanks Monkey Milk!”

*Mr. Gene Tenney from South Dallas says… “I’ve grown two whole inches since I began drinking the stuff! Now I can ride any rollercoaster I want!”

*Christian Gormely from Spring Texas writes in to tell us… “I’m so fresh and so clean now from drinking Monkey Milk I’ve started switching four lanes on a daily basis!”

*Grant Walker wants everyone to know that… “TPX Monkey Milk makes my pink parts tingle and gives me goose bumps the size of nipples!”

*THE HOUSTON SPORTS PLEX TPX CLUB was quoted as saying… “We were losers and now we’re winners thanks to the great taste of TPX MONKEY MILK!”

          So as you can clearly hear by those kind words, people are quite simply going bananas TPX MONKEY MILK. So head down to your neighborhood store and ask one or two, hell just buy all of them. We guarantee that you’ll be spanking your monkey in no time!

Hello there!  My name is Gene and I hate sand castles!
THE LIFE STORY OF GENE TENNEY, STRIKE OUT KING

INSERT STUPID THEME MUSIC HERE...

      It all started when I was a young boy trying to find my way round the sandbox at school.  The other children would all sit around building cool shit and all I could really do was poop.  While they were getting dirty and creating sandy masterpieces I stayed away.  I knew that my abilities to do anything constructive was limited so when anyone asked me, "Hey Gene, come build a sandcastle!"  I used to always respond with,"Na son, daddy gotta shit!"  I quickly gained a reputation as a bit of a poopy pants with a huge turd like attitude.

     I remember this one time that my little buddy Piss Pants Parker was working on this really huge beast of a castle.  As I looked at him constructing this amazing sand castle, I started to think of ways I could get in on all the fun.  I thought to myself, "Hey you stupid turd, just because you're not smart enought to mold a building from sand doesn't mean that you're not gifted in other areas, after all you are the king of potty pants round these here parts."  Everything truly did start to come together in ways in which I never thought possible.


      I made it my mission to incorporate my shit sharding talents into everyones sandcastle fun, but how?  What does poo poo have to do with sand?  Nothing to my knowlege, I mean poo and sand just don't go together.  What to do I thought as I blasted a fat pouch of goooooooo into my diaper?  Suddenly it hit me... SHIT CASTLES!  Either that or I'd try to make the poop hat that I'd invented with my limited intelligence.  No I'll stick with the shit castles.

          Now I know what you're thinking, shit castles? That doesn't make any sense, but wait my playground friends... it will. You see I like to call myself a bit of a master. The type of little dude that will never strike out in life let alone a softball game. So one afternoon while everyone was thinking about what kind of fortress to construct I was brewing up a nutty sort of building material that I was sure that nobody had used. It was hard to keep it in though due to the incredible amount of anticipation that was giving me butterflies like I'd never experienced before. 


          Suddenly our teacher said to us, "OK everyone, who wants to go outside for recess?" I threw my hands up it the air and started to say that I wanted to but unfortunately for me the action of my arms shooting above my head had an undesirable effect. Without warning I began to shoot turds shaped like avocado missiles into my brand new Osh Cosh pants. The smell was immediate and can only be described as offensive. Somewhat like I would expect cat food that had been left in a hot car for a few weeks would smell like. Why me I thought as everyone began screaming and vomiting all around me. It wasn't long before fingers started to point my way and so they should I mean I did just crap my pants. Even Piss Pants Parker started to laugh and point the blame my way. I couldn't take much more so I jumped up and began to make a run for the classroom door all the while leaving a colorful trail of poop every few feet as I ran. I guess the only good thing that came from that was at least I'd be able to find my way back to the class.

23 YEARS LATER

          Two strikes, is what the fat ass ump kept saying to me as I approached the plate during my softball teams second game of our weekly double header. Games on the line, I'm up what could go wrong. Suddenly I my mind began to wonder as I caught a brief smell of the toilets directly behind home plate. The smell was unquestionably the aftermath of some ass actually using the softball restrooms to take a crap. The odor immediately brought back the disturbing visualizations of Osh Cosh pants that I managed to fill with shit in the middle of my kindergarden class. I'd spent years trying to forget that and now it's taking over my thoughts completely. Focus, I kept telling myself. Right as my words of self encouragement began to make sense I heard... Strike three, you’re out midget!

      All I could hear was laughter as I put my head down and headed back to the dugout. My old friend Parker skipped over to me and let me know that everything was alright. He told me that this is just a game and that I'll have many more opportunities to prove myself and make up for this huge mistake that had just cost my TPX brother a win. Parker then told me of a wonderful party that he said that he was headed to and asked if I'd like to accompany him after the game. I didn't hesitate to say yes as I knew the type of parties that Parker goes to. I've always wanted to go to that kind of party so I did!   Here's a picture... That's me on the left there and Parker is a couple of girls over on the right. Thanks Parker that was a great night!

THE END

THE CREATION OF MY SOFTBALL TEAM / FICTION VERSION

GRANT: A PANDA STORY

          Let me tell you a story about two pandas who showed the world that just because you’re a little black and a little white doesn’t mean that you can’t live a normal life. You see these pandas were special because they liked to do the nasty all day everyday and because of that they didn’t spend much time thinking about what they could become. Pandas are a smart bunch but unfortunately for them they’re easily distracted by the uncontrollable panda lust that can be quite crippling if one lets it get out of hand. Any who there two interracial bears had an offspring. They should have had more considering the amount of time they spent knee deep in exotic panda juicy puss. This offspring would grow to become a great leader of other panda offspring. A leader like no other in fact he would grow to become the GREATEST PANDA EVER!!!

          When Grant the young panda boy was born he was ever so tiny. Some of the other pandas questioned if he was a panda at all, maybe a squirrel or a prairie dog the other pandas thought. Ever so slowly young Grant would start to grow and with this growth he began to fine tune what would soon become his gift… leadership. Although he grew slower and less than the others his mind grew much faster. He started to see the good and bad in the other pandas. He saw that even though some of the bad pandas were obviously stupid and in many cases retarded, that there was potential in everybody. Take Gene the sexually and vertically challenged panda cub. This panda had a great love for the lust much like Grants panda parents. He would spend days in his panda hut fiddling with his wee wee and shoving bamboo up his panda bottom. Seeing as Gene was one of the shortest pandas ever he felt that the other panda ladies wouldn’t like his style. You see Grant knew better, he saw that panda Gene just needed a little kick in the right direction. One day Grant went to Gene and said, “Don’t you know you can get splinters putting those bamboo branches up there?” “How would you like to come with me a help me form an elite panda softball team.” Gene was shocked and couldn’t believe that someone actually needed him for anything, so he pulled the bamboo from his tiny panda butt and said, “I’m with you.” And so it was formed the, the beginning stages of what would become TPX!!!!!!

          It wasn’t long after its initial formation that Grant and Gene found other fuzzy friends to join there cause. Take panda Thomas, he was a strange panda because he unlike the other pandas because he was a cripple. He had the bones of a old panda but the heart and arm of a great champion panda. Grant welcomed this cuddly little feller into his roster with open panda arms. Grant wasted no time helping young Thomas learn how and why to play panda softball. Thomas was a quick learner and would soon start to become a nice addition to Grant’s organization. Then you had panda Parker, known only for having a hot panda sister that all the other pandas shared as the panda partner. She truly was a saucy little number, I’m getting hard just writing about it… I’ll be back in a second…

          OK, sorry about that. I got a little worked up talking about panda Parker’s sister and had to go take care of something. Back to what I was saying panda Parker was brought onto the team because panda Grant wanted all the other pandas to know that Parker existed and had much to offer to hopes and goals that Grant had for TPX. Parker was a dedicated little panda and would soon become the greatest panda catchers of all time.

          Panda Grant was very pleased with his panda progress but wasn’t finished. He made additions here and there, filling gaps, moving pandas around until everyone started to see the team come together. Pandas all over the forest wanted to be apart of this amazing thing that was happening but Grant knew that he had to make his final choices count and really put this panda party over the top. One day while walking through the forest Grant walked up upon a tall handsome panda having his way with panda Parker’s panda sister. The handsome Panda said, “Hey stubby do you mind, I’m trying to show this b-atch a pandtastic time!” Grant waited and waited and waited and waited until finally the handsome panda had finished his sweet sweet love making. HE began to approach the tired panda and said, “Hey there, what’s your name?” “Panda Sam”, the hunky panda replied. “How would you like to join a team that will guarantee you all the panda pussy your little panda pants can handle, how would you like to join TPX!” Panda Sam jumped with excitement, as he had heard of this amazing team but didn’t think he’d ever have the chance to join.

            The circle had finally closed and the Panda force that we now know as TPX had been constructed to its upmost potential. Grant looked up upon his team of hungry pandas and smiled. His next words would go down in history as some of the most famous and inspirational panda words ever to cross over panda lips. He simply said, “ITS MOTHER FUCKING PANDA TIME BITCHES!!!!”

THE END