LENNON McCARTY: I’M BLACK, DON’T JUDGE ME!

ACT ONE: SCENE ONE

          When we first got Lennon McCartney my wife and I had only been married a short time. To be honest with you, we really couldn't afford to buy him let alone take care of him. I remember the day well, we were out getting some stuff done nothing really important, just random errands. We passed by the Hobby Lobby parking lot where I worked fro a short time as a custom framing extraordinaire. I don't like to brag but I can frame with the best of them. Anyway we were driving past when we saw a sign that says MINITURE SHAUZERS PUPPIES FOR SALE. Seeing that my Kristin's family had only ever had this one type of dog she immediately started crying like a baby for me to drive over and see the puppies. I told her to stop with her alligator tears already and headed that way.

          As we approached the children's play pen where the puppies were I started to feel the urge to purchase a dog. I hadn't even seen them yet and already I was planning reasons in my head to use in negotiations with my wife and my conscience in order to guarantee my victory. Once we gazed over the top and looked down to see the five little pups below we were automatically drawn too our little man. We held him and began justifying to each other why we needed to make this purchase, none of which were valid or good reasons.  He was so tiny and black that we couldn't deny that we wanted this little guy, we just need to think about it a bit more.  If you can believe this next part, we actually drove away with out Lennon at first. We discussed the thought of having another living thing in our apartment with us for like one or two hours before driving to an ATM to withdraw just enough funds to complete the transaction that would change our lives forever.

ACT ONE: SCENE TWO

Life from the Eye's of a Puppy.

          What the hell is happening????? Where the hell did my brothers and sisters go and who the hell are these idiots talking to me like retards? Why does the handsome one keep telling me he thinks so over and over? What do you think so about stupid, you're confusing me! I have no idea where I am and I've got to take a shit. If someone doesn't pull the car over in a second I'm going to shit on one of you two!

ACT TWO: SCENE ONE

Homecoming

          As Kristin and I drove home to our third story apartment with the newest addition to our family we couldn't help but be exited. Lennon was the first real big step that we'd taken together since our wedding vows back on the 10th of March. Eager to share our new home with Lennon I pulled the Envoy, or as I like to call it the Turd Mobile, into the nearest available parking space that was open by our apartment. As soon as we stepped out of the truck and place the little fella on the grass he began to drop a duece. That's a shit for the slow one. We laughed as he tried walking around trying to figure out where he was not really thinking about how confusing and tough that particular situation mush have been for him.

          Just as he began to get comfortable I snagged him off the grass and hustled up the stairs, Kristin followed close behind the whole time crying give him to me. Again I told her, quit your crying women, you're going to upset him. As I approached the top of the stairs I began to dig through my pockets to locate my keys. As I pulled them out, beer bottle caps rained down to the ground like bullets from a the night of drinking several hours before. I twisted the key and opened the door to Lennon's new life.

ACT TWO: SCENE TWO

NO CABLE, WHAT THE F*%K!

          God, I thought I'd never get to take that shit! I was seriously like two seconds away from sharding on the tall ones shirt. I wish they'd put me down, I'd not crippled you know. This place is pretty cool... Holy shit, look at the size of that TV. I could definitely could get used to this, I love me some TV! I'm getting a chili pepper just thinking about it! The better have freaking cable or I'm going to bite someone. Holy mother of Fido, is that a TV antenna? NO CABLE, WHAT THE F*%K! What am I supposed to do around here?

To Be Continued...

Next Time on LENNON McCARTNEY, I'M BLACK DON'T JUDGE ME.

ACT THREE: SCENE ONE

SETTLING IN

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

"TO PLAY OR NOT TO PLAY, THAT IS THE QUESTION?"

          To play or not to play, that is the question. What to do with your quarterback that is in the midst of the worst hangover he's ever had. Mr. All Mighty Tim Tebow took one of the most monstrous shot ever seen in a nationally televised game two Saturdays ago when the number one ranked Florida Gators took on a unranked Kentucky. Never mind the fact that that Tebow wasn't feeling well before the game and had to take a privately chartered plane to the game, but why continue to play the kid when you've already worked up a commanding lead on a SEC team that’s about as talented as a bag of soggy breakfast tacos. The only thing I can think of is Urban Meyer saw the signs and those signs said detour. The detour... Louisiana State University. Thant’s right the bayou Bengals of LSU.

          I believe Urban Meyer saw the most underrated team in the nation rapidly approaching. Here's a team that flew half way across the nation to play a Washington team that has surprised the nation this year a few times already. First of all they Washington gave the Tigers a game which nobody saw coming. Then right after that they go and beat the all powerful USC Trojans who by the way is the most over rated bunch gang of turds I've ever seen. I wish that espn and everyone else on T.V. would get off Steve Carols nuts already. They don't play anyone! Ohio State, ohhhhhhh scary, not!

         
          Next the Tigers took on a much improved Vandy team. I know that there's some Longhorn somewhere right now saying, "Oh lord, Vanderbelt they're tough!?????” I say to that guy, why don't you put them on your schedule instead of ULM, UTEP, North Texas and chumps like that. Play someone already! If you think playing those teams will prepare you for playing a SEC team in the National Championship, then by all means continue to schedule powder puff football games.
         
          I'll go ahead and leave the ULL game out of this conversation which would in turn bring us to the Mississippi State game in which the Tigers would make there way East to take on a team with one of the top running back in the Nation. Mr. Dixon will run it down your throat every time if you don't come prepared to play. I string of amazing defensive stops secured the Tigers victory bringing their record to 4 and 0.

          Let us not play down the victory that LSU pulled out in Athens just last week verses the Georgia Bulldogs. Athens is one of the hardest places to play in college football and the Tigers strolled in there and pulled out a hard fought victory which guarantees you and I the privilege of seeing the number one and number four team in the nation go head to head this weekend.

          As a storm rapidly approaches and the cold air not far behind, Les Miles prepares his battlefield. Never mind that Death Valley is one of the toughest and loadest places to play in the land but this game is being played at night. The Tigers don't loose at night, its science! Do some research and you'll see. Do I want Tebow in, of coarse I do. I want the best game possible, but if he's not ready you can't play him. If John Brantley gives them the Gators the best chance to win then that's who I want to face. You see LSU fans don't like the road to the big game to be easy. Never have, we're not Trojans.

First Blog Ever! What Should I Write About... PUDDIN'!

     I'd like to tell you the tale of a little fella named Lennon McCartney. He's just a little guy, with little problems. You see, Lennon feels that he's held back by the fact that he's a dog. If he could only talk he'd tell you himself, which by the way I'm sure he's working on doing just that. You see he's miniature schnauzer that considers himself a bit of a quick learner. Always planning the next new ways to show that he's not just a little pup but better yet a cross breed. Some where between a adolescent overly excitable teenager and the schnauzer body that he calls home.

     Have you ever seen a dog watch T.V.? Studies show that only 20% of dogs actually even notice the big box in the middle of the room that is streaming entertainment into our faces and then transporting those images into our cerebral cortex. The same study tells us that only about 2% have the ability to comprehend and pay attention to what is being shown. Lennon is part of this 2% but if you saw how devoted to watching it he was it would blow your mind.

     I know he understands and recognizes certain shows and commercials due to the fact that he doesn't even have to me in the room to know what's on. You know that commercial with the hamsters driving one of those stupid Scion mini vans that look like somebody decided to create a car that resembled a hot box of turds. You know the one where the little red Scion is driving down the street by a van full of hamsters that like to bump techno music. If he hears that commercial he comes sprinting from what ever part of the house he's in towards the living room. Once he arrives in this area he prepares himself for lift off. Lift off you say, what the hell do I mean by lift off. He runs towards my flat screen television which I have strategically placed on the wall for optimal viewing pleasure then jumps up to try to get those tasty hamsters. Once the wall knocks him down, he proceeds to continue to jump up and down on two feet like I child crying for his candy back from his mother. Truly an odd but most entertaining thing to watch.

     There was one afternoon that my wife and I were just driving around running small errands when we spotted a red box. $1.00 movie, not a bad deal really. The only problem is you never keep it one day. That one day turns into a week real quick and then you suddenly have a $35.00 charge on your bank statement. This is usually due to the fact that the stupid things fall down the side of your car's seat... KRISTIN! Anyway back to what I was saying, we decided to rent one of these fantastic dollar DVD's. Nothing strange about that right? Well what was different about this particular transaction was the fact that my wife and I scrolled through the touch screen library in search of renting the movie BOLT for Lennon. We hurried home, eager to have a lazy day lounging around hanging out around the house, plus we wanted to see how our little guy would react to this movie about a dog that plays a super hero on T.V. and actually believes that he's a super hero in real life. Needless to say he didn't disappoint. I had to literally hold his collar the entire movie just so he wouldn't go jumping from the bed into the television like a freaking lunatic! Once he calmed down a bit he just watched the movie, never taking his eyes off the T.V. until the credits rolled.

     Let me tell you about aliases that this dog has been given. I don't know why but he seems to get a new one every couple of weeks. His most common one is Puddin' or Puddin' Pop. I'm not entirely sure where exactly we got that but it seems to work. The name Puddin' was soon transformed into "THE PUD" or just "PUD". God, I must sound like a retard right now. I don't know why the hell I started saying this next one but one day I came home from work and just started calling him Silly Bill. I don't even know anyone named Bill, makes absolutely no sense but once again it just works. Pop Pop is the next one on the list; I can't remember when and where that came from. The list continues to grow and I'm sure that the names will continue to not make any sense. 

      The fact that my wife and I treat him like he's our freaking first born child doesn't help the poor little guy because he just keeps on trucking with his antics. He drinks beer, and water right out of my glass. The little bastard doesn't even ask. I'll get up to take a leak, hang towels, fold clothes, do the dishes or cook then come back to where I left my delicious beverage and who's sitting there drinking my shit? That's right, Puddin'. He just sits there with his legs crossed and my drink in hand smirking back at me as if to say, "You stupid human, who's got a beer now!" Well maybe he didn't have his legs crossed but none the less he's drinking my shit. Silly thing is, I don't do anything about it because it's so funny to me that he's got the balls to do it, especially since my wife had his balls removed. I wanted no part in that mess but that's a whole other story.

     For the time being Pud is still a dog but if he continues to train and perfect his many crafts then there is no reason he can't become a hybrid dog boy like he so passionately desires.  After all, who wants a dog that doesn’t want more for him or herself.  Reach for your destiny Pop Pop, reach!